HEAR YEE, HEAR YEE, from hence forth, the loser of the Deuce Cup consolation bracket shalt be forced to apply the “I suck at fantasy football” license plate frame to their primary vehicle throughout the following season. Loser no longer has to run a 5k, unless you’re into that sort of thing – in which case you can be a super fit fantasy loser.
Let’s get down to brass tacks and jump into this year’s Deuce Cup playoff power rankings:
6. King Can
King Can’s quest for a playoff birth was like watching a morbidly obese woman attempt to take a sweatshirt off in public. Both time consuming and grotesque. He finished with a losing record, needed losses from 2 other dumpster fire teams, and benefited from a hidden ESPN tiebreaker to secure a spot. BUT, King Can also has a roster consisting of players like Mahomes, Ingram, Gordon, and Hopkins – so the potential to put up big time points is there. He’ll need every one of those points considering his opponent next week, Chalupa Batman, who put up the most points in the league during the regular season.
5. God Hates Jags
Jags managed to hang around the Protoss division like an old stripper at a bar way past her prime – still able to give lap dances, but not a ton of buyers. With the least amount of points scored of all the teams to reach the playoffs and only 3 of his players ranking within the top 10 of their respective positions, we’re expecting a quick exit for this Jags denier.
4. Dad Therapy 2.0
We didn’t love Dad Therapy’s strategy of buying cheap rookies and saving his imaginary auction money to start the season – but Dad Therapy knew what he was doing all along and secured his second consecutive playoff birth. Dad Therapy rode Lamar Jackson and Chis Godwin to victories for a majority of the season, before landing a blockbuster trade to acquire Saquon Barkley for his stud QB. While Lamar would have been a nice keeper, Dad therapy is looking to win it all in 2019. He’ll need big time production from his WR’s to go the distance.
3. Dukey Brees
Let’s be honest…. Nobody thought that Dukey Brees had any shot at making the playoffs, let alone getting the #1 overall seed. But then Derrick Henry started trucking over everybody and quietly put together a top 10 overall fantasy season. With the help of Zeke, Julio, and Edelman – Dukey Brees finished the regular season as the best overall team and earned a bye going into the playoffs. Dukey also managed to avoid Chalupa Batman and Dude McNasty in the playoffs, making a trip to the title game even more likely.
2. Dude McNasty’s House of Hoors
The Commish left Thanksgiving dinner with 2 things to be thankful for: Christan McCaffrey and Deshaun Watson. These two players are averaging a combined 50 points a game and account for over 40% of Dude McNasty’s total points scored. With the addition of Cooper Kupp to this list, The Dude is realistically banking on 3 players to take him to the promise land – which was enough for the third most points in the regular season.
1. Chalupa Batman
119 points. That’s what Chalupa Batman is averaging a GAME. To put that into perspective, it’s 30 more points per game than Idaho Bridge Nutless and 15 more points per game than the league’s best team Dukey Brees. Even Chalupa’s “shit” players like Dak and Ekeler are top 5 in their positions. It’s hard to see Chalupa Batman losing any games in this title winning run – even if the projections for next weekend show a close matchup with King Can. Because as this season has shown us, Chalupa Batman regularly blows past those projections with ease.
Good luck to all the teams in the playoffs and to those teams looking to avoid a dumpster fire at the end of the season.